With the anger behind us and the focus shifted toward my Gran things changed. We all talked. While focusing on something bigger the past had a way of unfolding and opening up something else. We both learned a lot. We learned that not everything we believed and thought was the truth. A lot of the anger was based off things that weren't true, but until then we had no way of knowing. God opened the door to let the truth come out.
Through this time things continued to worsen and my aunt came daily to help stay with my grandma. She sat with my mother and I and we continued to talk and take care of my grandma. My cousin was also understanding and though things will never be the way they once were we are ok. It is the past and we have all moved on. Our focus was no longer anger, but my grandma.
I told my grandma I did my best to fix things because of Gods grace and unfailing love. She knew though. Even when she didn't talk I know she could hear us and she could sense the anger was gone. I told her how much I loved her and that she didn't have to worry anymore. We were all ok. Everything was ok.
God continued to give us strength and focus. We spoke kindly and sat at my grandmas side. We laughed at old memories and told my grandma stories from the past. We fed her, changed her, and I brushed her soft gray hair.
Everything was ok, but she was not. She kept getting worse. The hospital bed arrived and my stomach ached. Its hard to see a hospital bed in the spot where her recliner goes. Its hard to see her so frail and helpless. Its hard to watch her struggle to breathe or motion for something because she cant talk. Seven months ago we carried on conversations today she cant say a full sentence. Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And He will. I know He will.
Wow! God does some pretty amazing things! I never imagined he could lift that weight and help me forgive, be He did! Our God is awesome!! Before I go on let me add a few things to the list:
1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.
A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.
1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.
a) mom was able to work
2) It build our bond
a) I was able to be her full time caretaker
b) we built more memories
B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
1) Reading and studying His word
2) A good influence on my family.
3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.
a) Bible study on forgiveness
1) Prayed to forgive family/asked God to help me forgive.
2) Was faced with the person and was able to forgive because of Gods love and grace!!
4) Building our family relationships.
a) on speaking terms with other family that have not spoken with in years. (forgiven)
5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).
Keep you eye out for Part Eight!!
Love and Hugs,