Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold :Part Eight

 

--------------------PART EIGHT--------------------

 

 

The nurses from hospice started coming more and more often. I knew that wasn't a good sign. I tried to prepare for the inevitable. How do you prepare for something like that? How do you prepare to let someone you love so dearly go? The answer is you cant! You cant ever truly prepare to let go of them.

 

 

Philippians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I hold on to that. I do have peace because of Him. Things will not always be easy, but He is with me.

 

I sat at my grandmothers bed holding her hand as she tried to speak. The words were not coming out clearly, so I tried to make out what she was saying. After a few minutes I said "home" and she shook her head yes. Then something else, so I asked "heaven" and she shook her head yes again. I looked at her and said "I know Gran. I know you want to go home to heaven. I know you are ready to see Jesus and Granddaddy. I'm gonna miss you so much when you go, but I know they are up there waiting for you. Gran, will you be there waiting on me when I get there?" Without hesitation and clear as day she opened her eyes, smiled, and said "I promise".

 

I cannot begin to tell you the feeling that washed over me after she said those words. I cannot begin to explain the tears that fell down my cheeks, but I can tell you that I know she will be there waiting when that day comes for me. That gives me peace and knowing that she will be there gives me hope. She knows where she is going and so do I. That lets me know that when its time for goodbye its only temporary.

 

 

The nurse came for yet another visit and had more concern. Things were definitely worse. She walked over to us and placed a little blue book in our hands. It was simply titled "Gone from our Sight" I felt like someone punched me in the chest. The book was to let us know the signs of death. I opened the book and flipped through the pages. When I looked at all the signs under "Days or Hours" I ached. She had every sign. Every single sign. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew.

 

I cried. I can't remember much else that I did that night. I sat by her bed, read to her, and cried. Mom and I never left her side. I was so grateful when we made it to the next morning and she was still with us. My aunt arrived and the three of us sat with her. We talked, cried, and held her. My other cousin came by briefly and saw her, though she never responded I believe she knew he was here.

 

By six o'clock that evening her breathing was horrible. It scared me. I wanted to help her, but I knew there was nothing to do. I paced the floor, I prayed, and I held her. I cried, I paced, and then I grabbed that stupid book again. Under "Hours or Minutes" was the statement "fish out of water breathing". I threw the book. All I could think was NOT YET! I'm not ready!

 

Her breaths got further apart and then further and then they stopped. Time seemed to stand still. My mom, my aunt, and I stood there holding her sobbing. She was gone. She left us. I ached.

 

 

Part Nine will be next.

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J.

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Seven

--------------------PART SEVEN--------------------

With the anger behind us and the focus shifted toward my Gran things changed. We all talked. While focusing on something bigger the past had a way of unfolding and opening up something else. We both learned a lot. We learned that not everything we believed and thought was the truth. A lot of the anger was based off things that weren't true, but until then we had no way of knowing. God opened the door to let the truth come out.

Through this time things continued to worsen and my aunt came daily to help stay with my grandma. She sat with my mother and I and we continued to talk and take care of my grandma. My cousin was also understanding and though things will never be the way they once were we are ok. It is the past and we have all moved on. Our focus was no longer anger, but my grandma.

I told my grandma I did my best to fix things because of Gods grace and unfailing love. She knew though. Even when she didn't talk I know she could hear us and she could sense the anger was gone. 

I told her how much I loved her and that she didn't have to worry anymore. We were all ok. Everything was ok.

God continued to give us strength and focus. We spoke kindly and sat at my grandmas side. We laughed at old memories and told my grandma stories from the past. We fed her, changed her, and I brushed her soft gray hair.

Everything was ok, but she was not. She kept getting worse. The hospital bed arrived and my stomach ached. Its hard to see a hospital bed in the spot where her recliner goes. Its hard to see her so frail and helpless. Its hard to watch her struggle to breathe or motion for something because she cant talk. Seven months ago we carried on conversations today she cant say a full sentence. Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And He will.  I know He will.

Wow! God does some pretty amazing things! I never imagined he could lift that weight and help me forgive, be He did! Our God is awesome!! Before I go on let me add a few things to the list:

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.

  
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.

             a) mom was able to work
  
         2) It build our bond
            
              a) I was able to be her full time caretaker

              b) we built more memories

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
    
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

            a) Bible study on forgiveness

                 1) Prayed to forgive family/asked God to help me forgive.

                 2) Was faced with the person and was able to forgive because of Gods love and grace!!

        4) Building our family relationships.
      
            a) on speaking terms with other family that have not spoken with in years. (forgiven)


       
       5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

Keep you eye out for Part Eight!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Six

--------------------PART SIX-------------------

 

 

I am one of those people who can't really hide my anxiety well. I don't know that I really try to in all honesty. On this day I hoped that it wasn't as obvious as it felt. As I faced my aunt for the first time in years my hands were shaking.

 

 

For the sake of my grandmother I sat down and tried to remain calm. Then she spoke to me and I had to answer. We discussed the past month and my grandmothers decline in health and she seemed to actually listen to me. I was in shock. She was listening to what I had to say. Could things really change?

 

 

After our discussion she seemed to understand more. She stayed for another hour and got a glimpse of how my grandmother really was. She got to see first hand and I think it opened her eyes a little. We shared the information that hospice had given us and she asked if we could keep her informed. I agreed.

 

 

 

Due to the agitation and severity of her dementia my grandmother was given medication. Within a few days she had calmed down. She was no longer angry and we spent several nights talking, laughing, and sharing stories. Then she got worse. She had a hard time walking, didn't want to eat, and was unable to do things for herself.

 

 

I did what my aunt asked and kept her informed. I also spoke with my cousin (other family member I hadn't spoken to). I told them both my concerns and explained that I thought they should spend some time with my grandmother because things just didn't seem good. I told them I would leave while they were here if they would be more comfortable. My cousin and I talked for over an hour and she said there was no need for me to go. She understood.

 

 

Every day that went by I continued to talk to my aunt and my grandmother continued to decline. My grandmother could no longer care for herself and was totally reliant on me, my mother, and my husband. Most days she couldn't talk or when she did it was hard to understand, but I didn't give up. I kept talking to her.

 

 

One night while talking to her she spoke up. She asked me to "fix the family" and I didn't know what to say. How can I fix the family? I wouldn't know where to start. But I told her I would fix everything that I could. When I told her it would all be ok she drifted off to sleep.

 

 

This was the point that I knew God had enabled me to forgive. When I sat there and thought about it I was no longer angry. I no longer had bitterness, and my main concern was taking care of my grandma. I had finally let go and moved on. What an amazing feeling and what an amazing God!

 

 

Check back for Part Seven!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Four

God is so awesome. As I sit here typing this I am still amazed at what He has done in our lives. Even in the bad situations He shows me hope and I am comforted by His love.

 

--------------------PART FOUR--------------------

 

 

I can sit here and honestly say that I love our church! I am blessed that we have such a wonderful church family. We are all continuing to grow in our relationship with God and I feel His love! Our Woman's group did a Bible study several months ago and I fell in love with the author. Lysa TerKeurst is now my favorite author! She inspired something in me! I feel like God put me in that group, in that study for a reason! Her writing sparked the idea to make this blog! Now I have had a blog (not this one) for over three years, but this one will have a purpose!

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy my other blog! I just haven't had time to focus on it! Throughout the past several months my focus has shifted and levels of importance aren't the way they once were. My life has changed, and will continue to change! I praise God for the amazing things He has done for us and will continue to do!

 

 

Lysa TerKeurst's book "The Best Yes" was a great way to get my attention! I think that is what had me hooked on the Woman's group. When I first started going I tried to hide in the back corner in hopes no one would notice me. Week by week things changed, and I opened up. Today I have a relationship with most of those woman I tried to avoid. I honestly couldn't even tell you why I tried to hide because now it seems silly. We had a conversation about that a few weeks ago during one of our Wednesday night meetings. The girls reminded me of how I was when I first started and how much they have seen me grow and blossom through Him. Wow was all I could think! I am ecstatic that others can see my love for Jesus!

 

 

After several months and different studies we came to a book called "Total Forgiveness" by RT Kendall. I got a little bit worried about this one. I have been sitting here building my relationship with God, and now I worry that I will look like a failure. Forgiveness was scary. I know that God forgave me for all my sins, but how am I supposed to forgive others...mainly my family. How can I forgive someone who tried to tear apart my life and hurt me beyond words? How can I forgive when I cant get over it...when I can't even think about it without anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain.

 

 

After the first two weeks of reading I opened up to my group. I told them some of my story and cried many tears. I showed them my pain and told them of my hurts. They opened their arms to me and we prayed. Then someone told me that I needed to pray for them, for the ones who hurt me. How on earth do I do that? How do I pray for someone I am so angry at and how on earth can I forgive. Then I was reminded of the story of Joseph and his brothers. They sold him and told their father he was dead. He suffered and hurt, but God had a plan far bigger than theirs. Joseph knew that and when he was face to face with his brothers he told them this (Genesis 50:19-21) ¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.  

 

It was time for me to search my heart and seek God in this. I cannot forgive without Him. I need Him to help me forgive. So I started to pray. And pray. And pray. Let me tell you that is not an easy task, but with God all things are possible. The bible study on forgiveness ended and I wasn't sure where I stood on the matter. When I thought about the situation that haunted me I would get angry again, but when I got angry I would pray. And pray. And pray.

 

I am going to stop here today and leave you with a quote from "Total Forgiveness"

 

“The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us.”  

                                                                                                          -RT Kendall

 

Keep an eye out for Part Five!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Three

--------------------PART THREE--------------------

After deciding to temporarily move in with my grandma we tried to make life as normal as possible. We worked, did school (I home school), went to Church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and I read my Bible and studied daily. The more I read the deeper my love grew for God. The more my love grew the more my eyes were opened.

 

 

Sharon, the aid from home health and I were talking about prayer. She told me that weeks before we moved in she and my grandmother had prayed together. My grandmother was scared and didn't want to be alone, so they prayed that God would provide a way for someone to stay with her everyday while my mother was at work so she would never have to be alone. Sharon told me that she believed that I was the answer to that prayer. This caught me off guard. Me the answer to a prayer? The entire time I was here was because I thought she was the answer to mine. I thought that her love and strength was a lesson to me and helped me, but now I am hearing that I am really helping her.

 

 

I loved being here to help her. It was such a blessing to spend this time with her and build our relationship. It was nice to hear her tell me that the past didn't matter and that she loved me no matter what. She also told me how proud she was of the woman I had become and how great the boys were doing. The entire situation amazed me. She was helping me and I was helping her. Things were changing.


At this point I could tell that God was working in our lives. I could see it in all of us. We were in church regularly, Tyler (my husband) was in the men's group on Wednesdays, I was in the Woman's group, my oldest was a part of youth group, and my youngest was in Awana. We were building our relationship with God first of all, but that caused relationships to build with our church family, friends, and each other. Things were good!

I was so filled with Gods love that I decided to rededicate my life to Him. I was baptized as a young child, but felt that through this change I wanted to do it as an adult. This lead my oldest son and husband to also be baptized. What an amazing day! My grandmother sat proudly beside my mother and watched! She beamed with joy for all of us!

Now before I go on any further I want to make a point of things that have happened so far. Without one thing the others would not have happened the way they did, but God planned it perfectly.

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.
      
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.
   
         2) It build our bond

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
     
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

        4) Building our family relationships.

        5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

The way things were going in my life I don't think I would have slowed down or stopped to see what I was missing. I would have continued blindly through life. That panic attack, while horrible, put into motion those events. God had a plan and still has one. I am still watching it unfold! Please check back for Part Four!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J
   



 

Seeing Part Of God's Plan Unfold: Part Two

As I sit here and type this I am still wondering how I am going to fit all the details of the past seven months into a few blog posts. Somehow I wonder if I will forget an important detail or leave a specific event out. Then I am reminded that I tend to overthink things. If you missed part one you can start here before reading Part Two!

--------------------PART TWO--------------------

 

 

I remember the night we walked in my grandmothers house. She met me with open arms like she has my entire life. My grandmother has always been a huge part of my life and then both of my boys lives. The past three years have been rough for my grandmother. She fell several years ago which started a decline in her health, then about eighteen months ago she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia.

 

 

The night we arrived reminded me of my childhood. We talked, laughed, told stories from the past, and watched Family Feud. She loves the game show network! Then we all went in our rooms and fell fast asleep. Something about her house has always given me comfort. Maybe the fact that it has always been filled with love!

 

 

We spent two weeks with my grandmother (my mom was there also, because she stays with her at night due to her health decline. I will get to that later). Then I thought that we should pack up and head home. I really didn't want to wear out our welcome. Did I mention that home is only fifteen minutes away? Yeah, we live close!

 

 

We walked in our front door and I almost immediately felt sad. I didn't feel ready to be back home. I felt overwhelmed again and things just didn't feel right. I tried to ignore my feelings and tried to unpack my clothes. That night before we went to bed the phone rang. It was my grandmother who was in tears. She begged me to come back, because she didn't want to be alone. It broke my heart to hear her cry, but I knew that it wasn't a decision I could make alone. I had to consider my husband and my children. She wasn't just asking us to stay overnight, she wanted us to stay for good or until she could figure something out.

 

 

The two weeks we stayed with her showed me little things that the dementia had changed. She worried more, didn't eat well, asked a lot of questions repeatedly, and thought things that weren't real in addition to other things. I was definitely worried about her and worried about myself at the same time. I pulled the family together for a meeting and we talked things through. Tyler and the boys wanted to do the right thing. They knew that not only did I need Gran, but that at this point she needed us too. My mother said it would help her too because Gran would call her several times throughout the day while she worked and there was no way she could leave.The following morning we packed up our things (not everything) and headed back to my grandmas.

 

My grandma was so happy we came back. She looked so relieved!  My mother was thrilled too, because she now needed more care than my she alone could provide and she was feeling overwhelmed with her own work schedule. Now home healthcare came twice a week to sit with her, but it seemed like every day that passed she needed more and more care and was terrified to be alone. In my current state I didn't want to be alone either, and her house and her love provided comfort so it all seemed to work out.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now before I end this here I am going to go back several years to a part of my life that I wanted to forget. We all have those parts that we want to hide or run from. I'm not going to go into full detail because that alone would take months. I just want to touch on a few things.

 

I have made bad choices and some of those have caused issues in our family. As I got older and made worse choices (ones that family didn't agree with) the consequences changed. The choices I made don't define who I am today, but with every choice there is a consequence. Now things got blown way out of proportion and then there was the "he said, she said" side. Let me just say that this was not a little matter. One situation (that was followed by many other situations) caused a major split in our family.

 

Throughout the past seven plus years I have not spoken to several family members and at one point I didn't speak to my grandmother. I was blessed to have mended the relationship with my grandmother after a short time, but the other family members were no longer a part of my life. To make matters worse there was a lot of hate, bitterness, and resentment involved on both sides. Ok enough of that for now.

 

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Please check back for Part Three!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J