Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Four

God is so awesome. As I sit here typing this I am still amazed at what He has done in our lives. Even in the bad situations He shows me hope and I am comforted by His love.

 

--------------------PART FOUR--------------------

 

 

I can sit here and honestly say that I love our church! I am blessed that we have such a wonderful church family. We are all continuing to grow in our relationship with God and I feel His love! Our Woman's group did a Bible study several months ago and I fell in love with the author. Lysa TerKeurst is now my favorite author! She inspired something in me! I feel like God put me in that group, in that study for a reason! Her writing sparked the idea to make this blog! Now I have had a blog (not this one) for over three years, but this one will have a purpose!

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy my other blog! I just haven't had time to focus on it! Throughout the past several months my focus has shifted and levels of importance aren't the way they once were. My life has changed, and will continue to change! I praise God for the amazing things He has done for us and will continue to do!

 

 

Lysa TerKeurst's book "The Best Yes" was a great way to get my attention! I think that is what had me hooked on the Woman's group. When I first started going I tried to hide in the back corner in hopes no one would notice me. Week by week things changed, and I opened up. Today I have a relationship with most of those woman I tried to avoid. I honestly couldn't even tell you why I tried to hide because now it seems silly. We had a conversation about that a few weeks ago during one of our Wednesday night meetings. The girls reminded me of how I was when I first started and how much they have seen me grow and blossom through Him. Wow was all I could think! I am ecstatic that others can see my love for Jesus!

 

 

After several months and different studies we came to a book called "Total Forgiveness" by RT Kendall. I got a little bit worried about this one. I have been sitting here building my relationship with God, and now I worry that I will look like a failure. Forgiveness was scary. I know that God forgave me for all my sins, but how am I supposed to forgive others...mainly my family. How can I forgive someone who tried to tear apart my life and hurt me beyond words? How can I forgive when I cant get over it...when I can't even think about it without anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain.

 

 

After the first two weeks of reading I opened up to my group. I told them some of my story and cried many tears. I showed them my pain and told them of my hurts. They opened their arms to me and we prayed. Then someone told me that I needed to pray for them, for the ones who hurt me. How on earth do I do that? How do I pray for someone I am so angry at and how on earth can I forgive. Then I was reminded of the story of Joseph and his brothers. They sold him and told their father he was dead. He suffered and hurt, but God had a plan far bigger than theirs. Joseph knew that and when he was face to face with his brothers he told them this (Genesis 50:19-21) ¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.  

 

It was time for me to search my heart and seek God in this. I cannot forgive without Him. I need Him to help me forgive. So I started to pray. And pray. And pray. Let me tell you that is not an easy task, but with God all things are possible. The bible study on forgiveness ended and I wasn't sure where I stood on the matter. When I thought about the situation that haunted me I would get angry again, but when I got angry I would pray. And pray. And pray.

 

I am going to stop here today and leave you with a quote from "Total Forgiveness"

 

“The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us.”  

                                                                                                          -RT Kendall

 

Keep an eye out for Part Five!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Three

--------------------PART THREE--------------------

After deciding to temporarily move in with my grandma we tried to make life as normal as possible. We worked, did school (I home school), went to Church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and I read my Bible and studied daily. The more I read the deeper my love grew for God. The more my love grew the more my eyes were opened.

 

 

Sharon, the aid from home health and I were talking about prayer. She told me that weeks before we moved in she and my grandmother had prayed together. My grandmother was scared and didn't want to be alone, so they prayed that God would provide a way for someone to stay with her everyday while my mother was at work so she would never have to be alone. Sharon told me that she believed that I was the answer to that prayer. This caught me off guard. Me the answer to a prayer? The entire time I was here was because I thought she was the answer to mine. I thought that her love and strength was a lesson to me and helped me, but now I am hearing that I am really helping her.

 

 

I loved being here to help her. It was such a blessing to spend this time with her and build our relationship. It was nice to hear her tell me that the past didn't matter and that she loved me no matter what. She also told me how proud she was of the woman I had become and how great the boys were doing. The entire situation amazed me. She was helping me and I was helping her. Things were changing.


At this point I could tell that God was working in our lives. I could see it in all of us. We were in church regularly, Tyler (my husband) was in the men's group on Wednesdays, I was in the Woman's group, my oldest was a part of youth group, and my youngest was in Awana. We were building our relationship with God first of all, but that caused relationships to build with our church family, friends, and each other. Things were good!

I was so filled with Gods love that I decided to rededicate my life to Him. I was baptized as a young child, but felt that through this change I wanted to do it as an adult. This lead my oldest son and husband to also be baptized. What an amazing day! My grandmother sat proudly beside my mother and watched! She beamed with joy for all of us!

Now before I go on any further I want to make a point of things that have happened so far. Without one thing the others would not have happened the way they did, but God planned it perfectly.

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.
      
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.
   
         2) It build our bond

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
     
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

        4) Building our family relationships.

        5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

The way things were going in my life I don't think I would have slowed down or stopped to see what I was missing. I would have continued blindly through life. That panic attack, while horrible, put into motion those events. God had a plan and still has one. I am still watching it unfold! Please check back for Part Four!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J
   



 

Seeing Part Of God's Plan Unfold: Part Two

As I sit here and type this I am still wondering how I am going to fit all the details of the past seven months into a few blog posts. Somehow I wonder if I will forget an important detail or leave a specific event out. Then I am reminded that I tend to overthink things. If you missed part one you can start here before reading Part Two!

--------------------PART TWO--------------------

 

 

I remember the night we walked in my grandmothers house. She met me with open arms like she has my entire life. My grandmother has always been a huge part of my life and then both of my boys lives. The past three years have been rough for my grandmother. She fell several years ago which started a decline in her health, then about eighteen months ago she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia.

 

 

The night we arrived reminded me of my childhood. We talked, laughed, told stories from the past, and watched Family Feud. She loves the game show network! Then we all went in our rooms and fell fast asleep. Something about her house has always given me comfort. Maybe the fact that it has always been filled with love!

 

 

We spent two weeks with my grandmother (my mom was there also, because she stays with her at night due to her health decline. I will get to that later). Then I thought that we should pack up and head home. I really didn't want to wear out our welcome. Did I mention that home is only fifteen minutes away? Yeah, we live close!

 

 

We walked in our front door and I almost immediately felt sad. I didn't feel ready to be back home. I felt overwhelmed again and things just didn't feel right. I tried to ignore my feelings and tried to unpack my clothes. That night before we went to bed the phone rang. It was my grandmother who was in tears. She begged me to come back, because she didn't want to be alone. It broke my heart to hear her cry, but I knew that it wasn't a decision I could make alone. I had to consider my husband and my children. She wasn't just asking us to stay overnight, she wanted us to stay for good or until she could figure something out.

 

 

The two weeks we stayed with her showed me little things that the dementia had changed. She worried more, didn't eat well, asked a lot of questions repeatedly, and thought things that weren't real in addition to other things. I was definitely worried about her and worried about myself at the same time. I pulled the family together for a meeting and we talked things through. Tyler and the boys wanted to do the right thing. They knew that not only did I need Gran, but that at this point she needed us too. My mother said it would help her too because Gran would call her several times throughout the day while she worked and there was no way she could leave.The following morning we packed up our things (not everything) and headed back to my grandmas.

 

My grandma was so happy we came back. She looked so relieved!  My mother was thrilled too, because she now needed more care than my she alone could provide and she was feeling overwhelmed with her own work schedule. Now home healthcare came twice a week to sit with her, but it seemed like every day that passed she needed more and more care and was terrified to be alone. In my current state I didn't want to be alone either, and her house and her love provided comfort so it all seemed to work out.

 

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Now before I end this here I am going to go back several years to a part of my life that I wanted to forget. We all have those parts that we want to hide or run from. I'm not going to go into full detail because that alone would take months. I just want to touch on a few things.

 

I have made bad choices and some of those have caused issues in our family. As I got older and made worse choices (ones that family didn't agree with) the consequences changed. The choices I made don't define who I am today, but with every choice there is a consequence. Now things got blown way out of proportion and then there was the "he said, she said" side. Let me just say that this was not a little matter. One situation (that was followed by many other situations) caused a major split in our family.

 

Throughout the past seven plus years I have not spoken to several family members and at one point I didn't speak to my grandmother. I was blessed to have mended the relationship with my grandmother after a short time, but the other family members were no longer a part of my life. To make matters worse there was a lot of hate, bitterness, and resentment involved on both sides. Ok enough of that for now.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Please check back for Part Three!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold: Part One

God has a plan. His plans, unlike mine, are perfect! As organized as I try to be and as much as I use my Life Planner there is no comparison. He doesn't need nice and tidy notes or bulleted tasks or even outlines. His plans are amazing. In the chaotic mess that is sometimes my life I got to see a glimps of His plan unfold.

Due to the amount of time (seven months) that this plan unfolded there is no way to accurately detail it in one blog post. I will be doing this in several parts, with this being the first. I am excited to share this, because to see were this journey has led me is amazing. Truthfully I know that His plan is still not finished, but oh how far we've come.

--------------------PART ONE--------------------

 

 

December of 2014 was a rough month. It felt like everything was falling apart. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Work was not going as I planned, the boys school was not how I expected, my marriage was not at its peak, family situations were a mess, our house was a disaster, and the list goes on. I could spend all day telling you what was wrong, but that alone would take several posts and that isn't what this is about!

 

Christmas came and went and by the time new years eve rolled around I was in bed. There was no celebration, there was no fireworks, there was no celebration. I stayed in bed...literally all day. January had come and it was supposed to be the time for resolutions and new beginnings. All I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

 

The stress and demands of life continued to pile up and I hit my breaking point. I was sitting on my couch and it hit me...the worst panic attack of my life. You can read about that here. I spent the entire night feeling out of control and feared I had lost my mind. The next morning I was still horribly anxious and then the depression hit. I wanted to run. I definitely needed to get away. Vacation was not even close to being an option, so I did the next best thing. I packed up some of our things and we came to my grandmothers.

 

 

Looking back on how things in my life were going I can easily tell you now the important things that were missing. See, I was overwhelmed because I didn't give God my problems. In all honesty I didn't give Him my time either. I put too much focus on everything else, but failed to do the most important thing. 1Peter 5:7 tells us to "Cast all your worries on Him, because He cares for you." I didn't do that. I held on to them when I needed to let go.

 

 

I have mentioned before that I grew up in church, and even went to Christian school. As an adult I let things get in the way and made excuses. We went to church occasionally and we prayed together at meals then at night I would say my prayers. That wasn't enough. It wasn't even close. I didn't have a personal relationship with God, and I was failing to set an example for my children.  My soul wasn't being fed and neither was my families. We had to make a change! Reading my Bible and building my relationship with God was where I planned to start. I love the pin on pinterest about reading your bible. The one that tells you that your bible should be like bread for daily use not cake for special occasions. That is so very true!

 

 

 

Now please don't think that all you have to do to fix everything is to open your Bible. It is a great start, but you have to read it , pray over it, build your relationship with God, and diligently seek Him. You can't snap your fingers and think things will change. That is something else I've learned along this journey. We all go through trials in our lives for a purpose. God is building us and molding us for His purpose. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It doesn't say good things or bad things or ok things, it says ALL things!!

 

 

My soul was desperately in need of being fed. I ached inside and I knew that the only thing that could fill that void was God. So I was going to seek him with my whole heart, and I have been doing that since. My life has changed in so many ways. I could shout from the rooftops about His amazing grace and love. I have this love that I cannot even explain!

 

My life is in no way easy, but my hope is anchored in Him! I rely on Him and He keeps me safe. What I didn't realize in January was that God had a plan the entire time. He used me and others in my life to completely transform a situation. This situation doesn't change the world, but it did change all of us and I can't wait to finish telling you how His plan has unfolded!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J.



Is there really time to rest?

Life can get busy. Really busy. We all get overwhelmed and caught up in what we are doing, or what we "have" to do. I know I do. My "To Do" list and agenda stay full. I always think that when I check off one of my tasks I will feel better. I think that maybe it will free up some time for me to just relax. Unfortunately, that is not the case. When one task is checked off I have already added two more. The list always grows. I try to delegate certain tasks and attempt to organize my time better, but it doesn't always work. By the time I go to bed and try to unwind I think of ten other things I should be doing.

 

My sleep schedule has been quite messed up lately. Between work, projects, kids, a husband, being a care taker for my grandmother, and everything else I don't really have a decent "bedtime". I tend to get sleep when I can. I miss normal sleep! I miss being able to crawl in my cozy bed and relax, unwind, clear my mind, and drift off to sleep. I can't even remember the last time that happened. 

If you have read my other posts then you will have seen I suffer from severe panic and anxiety disorder. Can you guess what makes that worse?? Lack of sleep! Sleep and rest are so important and we tend to neglect it.

Hebrews 4: 9-10 says "There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. " So why aren't we resting? Why don't we take time to refresh our minds and rest our bodies? Why do we feel the need to always be on the go?

I fell asleep on the couch last night at around midnight. I woke up at 4:00am thinking that there was so much that needed to be done. The laundry needs to get finished (is it ever really finished), the litter box needs to be cleaned, the bathroom needs to be cleaned...you get the picture. I started the laundry, cleaned the litter, and decided that it was time to sit down. I needed to think about what was going on. I needed time to sit and reflect.

When I started this blog I intended on working on it more than I do my other blog (you can find that here). I haven't had time to work on either one! I try to schedule time, but that doesn't always work. Sometimes life gets overwhelming.

Matthew 11: 28-29says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " The Lord doesn't want us to feel burdened or overwhelmed. He doesn't want us to fret and feel that there is no time. He wants us to turn to Him. If we are so focused on everything else around us we cant turn our eyes to Him. In order to serve Him we need to rest and we need to let go of the stress!

I know for some of us it is hard to say we are just going to "let go" and "give in". We don't see how we can just stop our day to day tasks and switch our focus. I'm not telling you to quit everything and be lazy! I'm saying that we need to set aside time (schedule it if you have to) every day to rest, recover, and spend time praying! We need to let go and let God! Yes, life is stressful, but we don't have to do it alone! God is there to guide us through.

I'm going to be working on several posts about scheduling and organization on my other blog, but I plan to incorporate that in this blog as well. Being organized is great, but when our minds stay scattered nothing will ever go as planned! We need to set our focus on what is truly important and stop worrying about life's little day to day issues. There is a bigger picture. Isaiah 26:3 reminds us "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

So let go and let God take over! Give Him your worries and let go of things that you can't control. Certain things can wait! Now go get some rest!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi

When Things Don't Go Your Way

Today has been one of those days. I wanted to throw up my hands yelling and screaming. I didn't, but I wanted to. Today has taught me to "deal with it" when I don't get my way , and to handle things when I don't have control.

First let me say that this has nothing to do with normal day to day frustrations. This isn't about me not getting to pick a movie or where we ate dinner. This was much more. I wanted to control the outcome of something that was much more important, but I had to give in.

My grandmother suffers from dementia. She has had several other medical problems recently and even though her health is declining her will power is not. She is as stubborn as ever. I am beginning to think she is more so now than ever.

My mother, son, grandmother, and myself took a short drive today. We drove though old neighborhoods and talked about our wonderful memories. On the way home my grandmother grabbed her chest and told us she couldn't breathe. She said she felt that she was having a heart attack. We pulled up in the driveway as I dialed 911. They arrived within minutes. The monitors showed that she didn\t have a heart attack, but that she did have blockage. They told her she needed to be taken to the hospital asap. She refused to let them take her.

I wanted them to pick her up and take her anyway, but that is not an option. They told her that if they didn't take her that she needed to let us take her because this needs to be monitored. Guess what...she said No! I could still scream. I could yell. I could fling myself in the floor and throw a tantrum. Do you know what that would do? Not one thing. I wouldn't get anywhere except making myself look like a complete idiot. I tend to do that at times (make myself look like an idiot) but it is usually because of the random way I do things. This is important, so why wont she listen?

I cried, but that didn't help either. I didn't cry because I thought it would help, I cried because I'm hurt. I want so badly to help her, but she wont let us. Every day she seems to get worse and every day i hear her say how badly she wants to leave this earth and see my grandfather again. I know she hurts and I know she is tired of this pain and confusion. She cant give up though! I want to fight this for her. I cant though. It is out of my control.

I wont say that I have "given up" on getting her to the hospital eventually, but me nagging her wont do any good so I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would help this situation and take away the pain she was feeling. That He would give us peace and that we could somehow be at ease. Its never easy to watch someone you love hurt and get to a point that you know it wont get better.

Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Today I had to be still. I had to stop. I had to step back and know that I cannot control everything and i definitely cant control the choices of my 85 year old grandmother even though i wanted to. I only wanted to do what i thought was  best for her. So today I was still. I sat with her and watched her. I talked to her and I listened. Today we were both still.

If you read Exodus 14:14 you will again be reminded "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. So here we are more than six hours later sitting here continuing to pray. I know that God has got this covered. I know that He has a plan and it is far better than mine. I know that I cannot control everything but He can, and I am reminded that when I am lost and confused I need only to be still.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold ,but i do know that i shouldn't worry. The Bible reminds me in Mark  5:36 "Don't be afraid, just believe." I do believe. I believe He is watching over all of us and that He has this under control. I am also reminded of his unfailing love and strength in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Whatever tomorrow brings He will be there to guide us through. 

So today through gritted teeth I gave in and gave up. I gave up the need to have control and let go. Not because I didn't want to fight, but because I know that Gods got this! 

Love and Hugs,

Brandi