Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

When Things Don't Go Your Way

Today has been one of those days. I wanted to throw up my hands yelling and screaming. I didn't, but I wanted to. Today has taught me to "deal with it" when I don't get my way , and to handle things when I don't have control.

First let me say that this has nothing to do with normal day to day frustrations. This isn't about me not getting to pick a movie or where we ate dinner. This was much more. I wanted to control the outcome of something that was much more important, but I had to give in.

My grandmother suffers from dementia. She has had several other medical problems recently and even though her health is declining her will power is not. She is as stubborn as ever. I am beginning to think she is more so now than ever.

My mother, son, grandmother, and myself took a short drive today. We drove though old neighborhoods and talked about our wonderful memories. On the way home my grandmother grabbed her chest and told us she couldn't breathe. She said she felt that she was having a heart attack. We pulled up in the driveway as I dialed 911. They arrived within minutes. The monitors showed that she didn\t have a heart attack, but that she did have blockage. They told her she needed to be taken to the hospital asap. She refused to let them take her.

I wanted them to pick her up and take her anyway, but that is not an option. They told her that if they didn't take her that she needed to let us take her because this needs to be monitored. Guess what...she said No! I could still scream. I could yell. I could fling myself in the floor and throw a tantrum. Do you know what that would do? Not one thing. I wouldn't get anywhere except making myself look like a complete idiot. I tend to do that at times (make myself look like an idiot) but it is usually because of the random way I do things. This is important, so why wont she listen?

I cried, but that didn't help either. I didn't cry because I thought it would help, I cried because I'm hurt. I want so badly to help her, but she wont let us. Every day she seems to get worse and every day i hear her say how badly she wants to leave this earth and see my grandfather again. I know she hurts and I know she is tired of this pain and confusion. She cant give up though! I want to fight this for her. I cant though. It is out of my control.

I wont say that I have "given up" on getting her to the hospital eventually, but me nagging her wont do any good so I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would help this situation and take away the pain she was feeling. That He would give us peace and that we could somehow be at ease. Its never easy to watch someone you love hurt and get to a point that you know it wont get better.

Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Today I had to be still. I had to stop. I had to step back and know that I cannot control everything and i definitely cant control the choices of my 85 year old grandmother even though i wanted to. I only wanted to do what i thought was  best for her. So today I was still. I sat with her and watched her. I talked to her and I listened. Today we were both still.

If you read Exodus 14:14 you will again be reminded "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. So here we are more than six hours later sitting here continuing to pray. I know that God has got this covered. I know that He has a plan and it is far better than mine. I know that I cannot control everything but He can, and I am reminded that when I am lost and confused I need only to be still.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold ,but i do know that i shouldn't worry. The Bible reminds me in Mark  5:36 "Don't be afraid, just believe." I do believe. I believe He is watching over all of us and that He has this under control. I am also reminded of his unfailing love and strength in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Whatever tomorrow brings He will be there to guide us through. 

So today through gritted teeth I gave in and gave up. I gave up the need to have control and let go. Not because I didn't want to fight, but because I know that Gods got this! 

Love and Hugs,

Brandi