Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Seven

--------------------PART SEVEN--------------------

With the anger behind us and the focus shifted toward my Gran things changed. We all talked. While focusing on something bigger the past had a way of unfolding and opening up something else. We both learned a lot. We learned that not everything we believed and thought was the truth. A lot of the anger was based off things that weren't true, but until then we had no way of knowing. God opened the door to let the truth come out.

Through this time things continued to worsen and my aunt came daily to help stay with my grandma. She sat with my mother and I and we continued to talk and take care of my grandma. My cousin was also understanding and though things will never be the way they once were we are ok. It is the past and we have all moved on. Our focus was no longer anger, but my grandma.

I told my grandma I did my best to fix things because of Gods grace and unfailing love. She knew though. Even when she didn't talk I know she could hear us and she could sense the anger was gone. 

I told her how much I loved her and that she didn't have to worry anymore. We were all ok. Everything was ok.

God continued to give us strength and focus. We spoke kindly and sat at my grandmas side. We laughed at old memories and told my grandma stories from the past. We fed her, changed her, and I brushed her soft gray hair.

Everything was ok, but she was not. She kept getting worse. The hospital bed arrived and my stomach ached. Its hard to see a hospital bed in the spot where her recliner goes. Its hard to see her so frail and helpless. Its hard to watch her struggle to breathe or motion for something because she cant talk. Seven months ago we carried on conversations today she cant say a full sentence. Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And He will.  I know He will.

Wow! God does some pretty amazing things! I never imagined he could lift that weight and help me forgive, be He did! Our God is awesome!! Before I go on let me add a few things to the list:

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.

  
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.

             a) mom was able to work
  
         2) It build our bond
            
              a) I was able to be her full time caretaker

              b) we built more memories

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
    
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

            a) Bible study on forgiveness

                 1) Prayed to forgive family/asked God to help me forgive.

                 2) Was faced with the person and was able to forgive because of Gods love and grace!!

        4) Building our family relationships.
      
            a) on speaking terms with other family that have not spoken with in years. (forgiven)


       
       5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

Keep you eye out for Part Eight!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Six

--------------------PART SIX-------------------

 

 

I am one of those people who can't really hide my anxiety well. I don't know that I really try to in all honesty. On this day I hoped that it wasn't as obvious as it felt. As I faced my aunt for the first time in years my hands were shaking.

 

 

For the sake of my grandmother I sat down and tried to remain calm. Then she spoke to me and I had to answer. We discussed the past month and my grandmothers decline in health and she seemed to actually listen to me. I was in shock. She was listening to what I had to say. Could things really change?

 

 

After our discussion she seemed to understand more. She stayed for another hour and got a glimpse of how my grandmother really was. She got to see first hand and I think it opened her eyes a little. We shared the information that hospice had given us and she asked if we could keep her informed. I agreed.

 

 

 

Due to the agitation and severity of her dementia my grandmother was given medication. Within a few days she had calmed down. She was no longer angry and we spent several nights talking, laughing, and sharing stories. Then she got worse. She had a hard time walking, didn't want to eat, and was unable to do things for herself.

 

 

I did what my aunt asked and kept her informed. I also spoke with my cousin (other family member I hadn't spoken to). I told them both my concerns and explained that I thought they should spend some time with my grandmother because things just didn't seem good. I told them I would leave while they were here if they would be more comfortable. My cousin and I talked for over an hour and she said there was no need for me to go. She understood.

 

 

Every day that went by I continued to talk to my aunt and my grandmother continued to decline. My grandmother could no longer care for herself and was totally reliant on me, my mother, and my husband. Most days she couldn't talk or when she did it was hard to understand, but I didn't give up. I kept talking to her.

 

 

One night while talking to her she spoke up. She asked me to "fix the family" and I didn't know what to say. How can I fix the family? I wouldn't know where to start. But I told her I would fix everything that I could. When I told her it would all be ok she drifted off to sleep.

 

 

This was the point that I knew God had enabled me to forgive. When I sat there and thought about it I was no longer angry. I no longer had bitterness, and my main concern was taking care of my grandma. I had finally let go and moved on. What an amazing feeling and what an amazing God!

 

 

Check back for Part Seven!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Four

God is so awesome. As I sit here typing this I am still amazed at what He has done in our lives. Even in the bad situations He shows me hope and I am comforted by His love.

 

--------------------PART FOUR--------------------

 

 

I can sit here and honestly say that I love our church! I am blessed that we have such a wonderful church family. We are all continuing to grow in our relationship with God and I feel His love! Our Woman's group did a Bible study several months ago and I fell in love with the author. Lysa TerKeurst is now my favorite author! She inspired something in me! I feel like God put me in that group, in that study for a reason! Her writing sparked the idea to make this blog! Now I have had a blog (not this one) for over three years, but this one will have a purpose!

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy my other blog! I just haven't had time to focus on it! Throughout the past several months my focus has shifted and levels of importance aren't the way they once were. My life has changed, and will continue to change! I praise God for the amazing things He has done for us and will continue to do!

 

 

Lysa TerKeurst's book "The Best Yes" was a great way to get my attention! I think that is what had me hooked on the Woman's group. When I first started going I tried to hide in the back corner in hopes no one would notice me. Week by week things changed, and I opened up. Today I have a relationship with most of those woman I tried to avoid. I honestly couldn't even tell you why I tried to hide because now it seems silly. We had a conversation about that a few weeks ago during one of our Wednesday night meetings. The girls reminded me of how I was when I first started and how much they have seen me grow and blossom through Him. Wow was all I could think! I am ecstatic that others can see my love for Jesus!

 

 

After several months and different studies we came to a book called "Total Forgiveness" by RT Kendall. I got a little bit worried about this one. I have been sitting here building my relationship with God, and now I worry that I will look like a failure. Forgiveness was scary. I know that God forgave me for all my sins, but how am I supposed to forgive others...mainly my family. How can I forgive someone who tried to tear apart my life and hurt me beyond words? How can I forgive when I cant get over it...when I can't even think about it without anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain.

 

 

After the first two weeks of reading I opened up to my group. I told them some of my story and cried many tears. I showed them my pain and told them of my hurts. They opened their arms to me and we prayed. Then someone told me that I needed to pray for them, for the ones who hurt me. How on earth do I do that? How do I pray for someone I am so angry at and how on earth can I forgive. Then I was reminded of the story of Joseph and his brothers. They sold him and told their father he was dead. He suffered and hurt, but God had a plan far bigger than theirs. Joseph knew that and when he was face to face with his brothers he told them this (Genesis 50:19-21) ¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.  

 

It was time for me to search my heart and seek God in this. I cannot forgive without Him. I need Him to help me forgive. So I started to pray. And pray. And pray. Let me tell you that is not an easy task, but with God all things are possible. The bible study on forgiveness ended and I wasn't sure where I stood on the matter. When I thought about the situation that haunted me I would get angry again, but when I got angry I would pray. And pray. And pray.

 

I am going to stop here today and leave you with a quote from "Total Forgiveness"

 

“The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us.”  

                                                                                                          -RT Kendall

 

Keep an eye out for Part Five!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J