Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Seven

--------------------PART SEVEN--------------------

With the anger behind us and the focus shifted toward my Gran things changed. We all talked. While focusing on something bigger the past had a way of unfolding and opening up something else. We both learned a lot. We learned that not everything we believed and thought was the truth. A lot of the anger was based off things that weren't true, but until then we had no way of knowing. God opened the door to let the truth come out.

Through this time things continued to worsen and my aunt came daily to help stay with my grandma. She sat with my mother and I and we continued to talk and take care of my grandma. My cousin was also understanding and though things will never be the way they once were we are ok. It is the past and we have all moved on. Our focus was no longer anger, but my grandma.

I told my grandma I did my best to fix things because of Gods grace and unfailing love. She knew though. Even when she didn't talk I know she could hear us and she could sense the anger was gone. 

I told her how much I loved her and that she didn't have to worry anymore. We were all ok. Everything was ok.

God continued to give us strength and focus. We spoke kindly and sat at my grandmas side. We laughed at old memories and told my grandma stories from the past. We fed her, changed her, and I brushed her soft gray hair.

Everything was ok, but she was not. She kept getting worse. The hospital bed arrived and my stomach ached. Its hard to see a hospital bed in the spot where her recliner goes. Its hard to see her so frail and helpless. Its hard to watch her struggle to breathe or motion for something because she cant talk. Seven months ago we carried on conversations today she cant say a full sentence. Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And He will.  I know He will.

Wow! God does some pretty amazing things! I never imagined he could lift that weight and help me forgive, be He did! Our God is awesome!! Before I go on let me add a few things to the list:

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.

  
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.

             a) mom was able to work
  
         2) It build our bond
            
              a) I was able to be her full time caretaker

              b) we built more memories

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
    
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

            a) Bible study on forgiveness

                 1) Prayed to forgive family/asked God to help me forgive.

                 2) Was faced with the person and was able to forgive because of Gods love and grace!!

        4) Building our family relationships.
      
            a) on speaking terms with other family that have not spoken with in years. (forgiven)


       
       5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

Keep you eye out for Part Eight!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

Seeing Part Of God's Plan Unfold: Part Two

As I sit here and type this I am still wondering how I am going to fit all the details of the past seven months into a few blog posts. Somehow I wonder if I will forget an important detail or leave a specific event out. Then I am reminded that I tend to overthink things. If you missed part one you can start here before reading Part Two!

--------------------PART TWO--------------------

 

 

I remember the night we walked in my grandmothers house. She met me with open arms like she has my entire life. My grandmother has always been a huge part of my life and then both of my boys lives. The past three years have been rough for my grandmother. She fell several years ago which started a decline in her health, then about eighteen months ago she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia.

 

 

The night we arrived reminded me of my childhood. We talked, laughed, told stories from the past, and watched Family Feud. She loves the game show network! Then we all went in our rooms and fell fast asleep. Something about her house has always given me comfort. Maybe the fact that it has always been filled with love!

 

 

We spent two weeks with my grandmother (my mom was there also, because she stays with her at night due to her health decline. I will get to that later). Then I thought that we should pack up and head home. I really didn't want to wear out our welcome. Did I mention that home is only fifteen minutes away? Yeah, we live close!

 

 

We walked in our front door and I almost immediately felt sad. I didn't feel ready to be back home. I felt overwhelmed again and things just didn't feel right. I tried to ignore my feelings and tried to unpack my clothes. That night before we went to bed the phone rang. It was my grandmother who was in tears. She begged me to come back, because she didn't want to be alone. It broke my heart to hear her cry, but I knew that it wasn't a decision I could make alone. I had to consider my husband and my children. She wasn't just asking us to stay overnight, she wanted us to stay for good or until she could figure something out.

 

 

The two weeks we stayed with her showed me little things that the dementia had changed. She worried more, didn't eat well, asked a lot of questions repeatedly, and thought things that weren't real in addition to other things. I was definitely worried about her and worried about myself at the same time. I pulled the family together for a meeting and we talked things through. Tyler and the boys wanted to do the right thing. They knew that not only did I need Gran, but that at this point she needed us too. My mother said it would help her too because Gran would call her several times throughout the day while she worked and there was no way she could leave.The following morning we packed up our things (not everything) and headed back to my grandmas.

 

My grandma was so happy we came back. She looked so relieved!  My mother was thrilled too, because she now needed more care than my she alone could provide and she was feeling overwhelmed with her own work schedule. Now home healthcare came twice a week to sit with her, but it seemed like every day that passed she needed more and more care and was terrified to be alone. In my current state I didn't want to be alone either, and her house and her love provided comfort so it all seemed to work out.

 

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Now before I end this here I am going to go back several years to a part of my life that I wanted to forget. We all have those parts that we want to hide or run from. I'm not going to go into full detail because that alone would take months. I just want to touch on a few things.

 

I have made bad choices and some of those have caused issues in our family. As I got older and made worse choices (ones that family didn't agree with) the consequences changed. The choices I made don't define who I am today, but with every choice there is a consequence. Now things got blown way out of proportion and then there was the "he said, she said" side. Let me just say that this was not a little matter. One situation (that was followed by many other situations) caused a major split in our family.

 

Throughout the past seven plus years I have not spoken to several family members and at one point I didn't speak to my grandmother. I was blessed to have mended the relationship with my grandmother after a short time, but the other family members were no longer a part of my life. To make matters worse there was a lot of hate, bitterness, and resentment involved on both sides. Ok enough of that for now.

 

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Please check back for Part Three!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J