Questioning Choices

I was awake half the night wondering if I said the right thing. Was there something else I could have done. Was there a way to "fight" the good fight in a way that would also show compassion and love. Did I back down or say things differently so I wouldn't cause conflict or so I wouldn't look harsh? I am doubting myself now and wishing I could have said more.

I am a Christian. I am a God fearing woman. I am also a sinner and I fall short of His glory daily. I do my best, but our best will never equal the price He paid for us. It is by His grace we are saved and not by our actions or deeds. I am grateful for that.

Yesterday something was said about the Bible not being true. That it was full of nonsense. I was hurt reading that statement. The Bible is true! The words written in it are true. Gods love and promises are true! I am not one for arguments, but when they said that it was just another book written by man I got upset. I made the statement that yes, the Bible is written by man, but so are history books. We have not seen half of the things written in these books, but we believe the things that line the pages without question. We teach that history today and force our children to learn and memorize those "historical" things. How is it so easy to believe a History book, but not the most important book of History we could ever know. The Bible is true.

Believing the words in the Bible are a choice. God gave all of us a choice. We can choose to lay down our life and follow Him or choose against Him. Matthew 16:24-25 says

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

I will never deny that I am a Christian. I will never deny that Jesus came to save me from my sins so that I may have eternal life through him. Sometimes I think that the issue isn't just about the Bible, but the question of faith. The question of believing something they cannot see. 

John 20:29-31 says this...

 29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed;blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

30 Jesus performed many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. 31 But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

The Bible is filled with truths that promise us eternal life through Jesus by believing. By having faith even as small as a mustard seed. 

I know it can be hard at times. I know life is a struggle. Christians face persecution daily for our beliefs. The Bible told us these things would happen. Life can seem unbearable at times and for many people denying it seems to be their answer. If they ignore it they don't think they will have to deal with things. We can have peace in knowing that God is with us because He told us he was! John 16: 33 says...

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I love you all!

Letting Go of Thinking You Have to Be in Control

If you are anything like me then you have a strong urge to always be in control. You want to know what is going on, what the next step is, how to fix any problems, what steps are being taken to fix said problems, so on and so on. The bottom line of the entire situation is we are not in control! We can't take on the world ourselves. It will never happen, so you might as well get it out of your head.

I am one of those people who will get in a situation and think "ok what can I do to change this" or " I should be doing this to fix that". The problem with that is that we are relying on ourselves to fix things or change things. We cannot rely on our own judgment  to fix things that are out of our control. Some things go beyond us and that's when we have to let go and let God!

Saying not to worry about anything is not going to change things. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I never worry. I worry too much! That is something I pray about daily. When I pray I lay it at His feet and do my very best not to pick it back up. I have gotten better, but again I am not perfect! I try and I try and that's all that I can do.

I have learned over time that certain situations go far beyond me. I can't change everything and I can't fix everything, but what I can go is go before the Lord and ask Him to guide me in the steps I need to take in accordance to His will. That whatever I do be for His glory. I also realize that whatever the situation and whatever the outcome it is in His plan and it will turn out for His good.

The first thing we do is humans is rack our brains and stress ourselves out when things don't go in a way we think they should. We want to be in charge of our lives and have a firm grip on our lives and surroundings. I know it can be hard, but remember God gave us this life to prepare for our eternal life with Him.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and think that you need to control your situation remind yourself to stop! God has it under control. We are reminded of that in Exodus 14:14 " The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” So be still and know that God has this!

Love and Hugs!

xo,
Brandi

When Your Plan Doesn't Line Up With God's Plan

Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture. We see things a certain way and want what we want. Sometimes we don't even give it a second thought. We just do whatever it is we want to do and then when things don't go as planned we wonder why.

Over the past year a lot has changed for me. I still struggle and I still have my faults, but I know that I want to follow Gods path for my family. I also know that His path may not always be the easy path, but I chose to follow it regardless.

I have been praying to know Gods will for several situations in my life. One of those has unfolded over the past few months. I prayed and prayed about this situation and thought I had an answer. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and trusted that no matter what the outcome He would guide us through, and He has!

We lost my grandmother 8 months ago tomorrow. That was not easy. I still hurt, I still cry, and I still want to reach out and hug her or talk to her. I didn't want to let go. I wasn't ready to let go.I can't say that I want to even now.

The house that my grandmother lived in has been in our family for over 60 years. This house was always "home" to me. I always loved coming here and being with my grandma. It has always been this special "safe" place we all love.

I prayed for direction about buying her house. Everything fell in place and we moved in a good bit of our stuff. I will admit that most of our things stayed in boxes though. Even after a month I just couldn't unpack anything. I couldn't really just unbox my stuff and fully move in. Something felt "off".

I prayed for direction and while I felt so unsure about what to do I trusted God. I trusted that He knew what was best for our family. We went to the bank to get a home loan and the process would take longer then we could wait for. We needed to have the funds right away and that wasn't going to happen. My grandmas house was slipping through my fingers.

I felt confused after that. I felt like I may not have been listening to God or that I missed something. Did I do something wrong? What am I doing? Why isn't this working? I may not have all the answers, but I know that God is still leading the way.

I sit here now (in my grandmothers kitchen) writing this and I know that God has huge plans for us. We aren't going to buy the house, in fact, we are moving everything out next week. We are letting go. I am letting go. I know this is what is best though. This is the plan God has for us.

I know God used this situation to help bring closure to a lot of different situations. It allowed us to spend some time here and to process everything. We took care of several other things that also needed to be handled, that would have been almost impossible otherwise. It definitely helped us reevaluate a lot of different things.

God is using this situation to grow our family spiritually. He is using it to bring us closer together and above all closer to him. It isn't about the houses we live in or the things we have, it's about our family, the love we share. This world is our temporary home and we are only here to prepare for our eternal home with our heavenly Father.

God uses every situation no matter how small or big to change us. It's time to let go and move forward. I'm ready to see where He leads us!

Love and Hugs!

xo,

Brandi J Follow my blog with Bloglovin

When You Think You Have Failed

Failure is something I think that all of us fear at some point in our lives. We don't want to fail. We tell ourselves we aren't built to fail, but guess what? We are!We will fail over and over again. It isn't about failure its about fighting; fighting the good fight!

As I sit here writing this I struggle to think through my past failures  mistakes  learning experiences. We have all been there. Some of us have been there more than we care to think about, or even admit. So here I am today willing to do just that. Admit it!

Failure isn't just about not doing our best on a test, or losing at a game of scrabble (or a wii game) with our family. Failure is when we set out to do a task and that task doesn't go as planned. No, I am not quoting Websters dictionary for that last sentence. For some of us failure means drinking that drink we said we would never touch again, smoking that cigarette when we said we quit, eating yet another piece of cake when we know we have a problem with food. It could be about telling just one more" tiny" lie, reaching for those pills that we know are killing us, raising our hand to the one who loves us, or even taking that punch from someone we swore would never hurt us again. Our "failures" come in many shapes, sizes, and forms.

Tonight I had a conversation about my week. As I discusses how things unfolded something struck a nerve. I managed to let my mind drift to my past and relived my various issues with abandonment. That is another story entirely. Another day, another time.

I sat there and explained how one situation in my life causes a ripple effect. Here is an action (whatever the action may be) and then follows the effect (whatever thing happens due to my previous action). At this point in my conversation I am crying. I am feeling like I have failed one too many times. I am seeing all these mistakes; all these failures. Then I snapped back to reality and realized that these so called failures were not what they seem.

I know that when we are going through a situation it seems to be the worst possible thing in our lives. We feel like things can't be any worse, and that no one could possible understand. That is not true! The enemy wants us to think that, but he is the master of lies. People do understand, and above all God does! God knows all of our hurts, all of our mistakes, all of the things that make us cry ourselves to sleep at night. He knows every single one of them and He wants us to give them to Him. We don't have to carry that alone. 

The things that you and I have gone through are what will build our character. They are what bring us closer to God. They are what break us so that we can be found in Him; found and loved beyond measure. 

If someone would have told me that any of my failures or sufferings would be to benefit me in the future I would have thought they were crazy. That feeling when you feel so broken and and so lost will eventyally fade away. For years I felt lost. I searched and searched everywhere I thought I would find myself. I looked in every place I thought could bring me a glimmer of happiness or an answer to who I really was. I looked in every direction except the right one...up! 

One day when I was more broken that I had ever been I gave up trying. I couldn't do it on my own. I coudnt keep searching for something that I would clearly never find alone. I feel to my knees and looked up and every single doubt of who I was was gone. I was a child of God. I was the daughter of a King who loved me even though I was a broken mess. He loved my faults. He loved me for me and even in my weakness kept me strong. 

One of my favorite Bible verses is found in  2 Corinthians 12 :9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong". Every time I hear that I smile. I don't have to be strong! I don't have to be perfect! I can make mistakes, and I can fail! His Grace will cover us through it all! That my friends is amazing! There is no other love so perfect! 

So the next time you are questioning yourself, or you are feeling like you have failed remember the bigger picture. Remember that we may have times that things are hard and we suffer for those things, but God will use those to mold us into the people we need to become. God turns even the most broken into something beautiful. Don't give up! Keep fighting the good fight!

PS:
I have been listening to this song on repeat after a comment was left for me on facebook! Check out Unspoken- Good Fight!

Love and Hugs as always!!

XO,

Brandi J.

Is God Calling You?

I'm sitting here drinking coffee at a time I should probably be sleeping. Scratch that, I know I should be sleeping. Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like God is calling you to do something, but you aren't really sure if it is for real? I am having one of those moments.

I am one of those people who tend to overthink things. I have always been like that. I'm sitting here now wondering if this thought...this BIG thought is really something that He wants me to do. I have been told by others in my past that this thing that I am thinking is something I should do. That this thing, this thought, is screaming at me do take hold and do it. I have been reminded several times over the past few years and even the past few days.

This is something I have been praying about for about a year now. It isn't something that I am only taking advice from others about. I have been avoiding others opinions of the matter for a very long time. But what if this is real? What if this thing really is in His plan for me?

I don't know that I am going to wake up tomorrow with one of those light bulb emoji's above my head with the correct answer. I don't know that I will even know in a week, a month, or another year. What I do know is this thought has been getting louder and louder and is no longer a faint whisper in the back of my mind. It is screaming at me now, and clearly keeping me awake.

I don't know if this is something that I am being called to do, but I will tell you that I will be praying deeply about it. I will be asking for guidance and understanding about the situation. I will be asking God for him to show me the path He wants me to take and help me discern these options and choices.

The only thing I do know is that if God is calling then I am going to answer! This might not be easy, but if this is His will then I am on board! If God calls you will you answer?



2 Peter 1: 10-11

10)Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, 11) and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Love and Hugs!

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold :Part Eight

 

--------------------PART EIGHT--------------------

 

 

The nurses from hospice started coming more and more often. I knew that wasn't a good sign. I tried to prepare for the inevitable. How do you prepare for something like that? How do you prepare to let someone you love so dearly go? The answer is you cant! You cant ever truly prepare to let go of them.

 

 

Philippians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I hold on to that. I do have peace because of Him. Things will not always be easy, but He is with me.

 

I sat at my grandmothers bed holding her hand as she tried to speak. The words were not coming out clearly, so I tried to make out what she was saying. After a few minutes I said "home" and she shook her head yes. Then something else, so I asked "heaven" and she shook her head yes again. I looked at her and said "I know Gran. I know you want to go home to heaven. I know you are ready to see Jesus and Granddaddy. I'm gonna miss you so much when you go, but I know they are up there waiting for you. Gran, will you be there waiting on me when I get there?" Without hesitation and clear as day she opened her eyes, smiled, and said "I promise".

 

I cannot begin to tell you the feeling that washed over me after she said those words. I cannot begin to explain the tears that fell down my cheeks, but I can tell you that I know she will be there waiting when that day comes for me. That gives me peace and knowing that she will be there gives me hope. She knows where she is going and so do I. That lets me know that when its time for goodbye its only temporary.

 

 

The nurse came for yet another visit and had more concern. Things were definitely worse. She walked over to us and placed a little blue book in our hands. It was simply titled "Gone from our Sight" I felt like someone punched me in the chest. The book was to let us know the signs of death. I opened the book and flipped through the pages. When I looked at all the signs under "Days or Hours" I ached. She had every sign. Every single sign. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew.

 

I cried. I can't remember much else that I did that night. I sat by her bed, read to her, and cried. Mom and I never left her side. I was so grateful when we made it to the next morning and she was still with us. My aunt arrived and the three of us sat with her. We talked, cried, and held her. My other cousin came by briefly and saw her, though she never responded I believe she knew he was here.

 

By six o'clock that evening her breathing was horrible. It scared me. I wanted to help her, but I knew there was nothing to do. I paced the floor, I prayed, and I held her. I cried, I paced, and then I grabbed that stupid book again. Under "Hours or Minutes" was the statement "fish out of water breathing". I threw the book. All I could think was NOT YET! I'm not ready!

 

Her breaths got further apart and then further and then they stopped. Time seemed to stand still. My mom, my aunt, and I stood there holding her sobbing. She was gone. She left us. I ached.

 

 

Part Nine will be next.

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J.

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Seven

--------------------PART SEVEN--------------------

With the anger behind us and the focus shifted toward my Gran things changed. We all talked. While focusing on something bigger the past had a way of unfolding and opening up something else. We both learned a lot. We learned that not everything we believed and thought was the truth. A lot of the anger was based off things that weren't true, but until then we had no way of knowing. God opened the door to let the truth come out.

Through this time things continued to worsen and my aunt came daily to help stay with my grandma. She sat with my mother and I and we continued to talk and take care of my grandma. My cousin was also understanding and though things will never be the way they once were we are ok. It is the past and we have all moved on. Our focus was no longer anger, but my grandma.

I told my grandma I did my best to fix things because of Gods grace and unfailing love. She knew though. Even when she didn't talk I know she could hear us and she could sense the anger was gone. 

I told her how much I loved her and that she didn't have to worry anymore. We were all ok. Everything was ok.

God continued to give us strength and focus. We spoke kindly and sat at my grandmas side. We laughed at old memories and told my grandma stories from the past. We fed her, changed her, and I brushed her soft gray hair.

Everything was ok, but she was not. She kept getting worse. The hospital bed arrived and my stomach ached. Its hard to see a hospital bed in the spot where her recliner goes. Its hard to see her so frail and helpless. Its hard to watch her struggle to breathe or motion for something because she cant talk. Seven months ago we carried on conversations today she cant say a full sentence. Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And He will.  I know He will.

Wow! God does some pretty amazing things! I never imagined he could lift that weight and help me forgive, be He did! Our God is awesome!! Before I go on let me add a few things to the list:

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.

  
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.

             a) mom was able to work
  
         2) It build our bond
            
              a) I was able to be her full time caretaker

              b) we built more memories

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
    
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

            a) Bible study on forgiveness

                 1) Prayed to forgive family/asked God to help me forgive.

                 2) Was faced with the person and was able to forgive because of Gods love and grace!!

        4) Building our family relationships.
      
            a) on speaking terms with other family that have not spoken with in years. (forgiven)


       
       5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

Keep you eye out for Part Eight!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Six

--------------------PART SIX-------------------

 

 

I am one of those people who can't really hide my anxiety well. I don't know that I really try to in all honesty. On this day I hoped that it wasn't as obvious as it felt. As I faced my aunt for the first time in years my hands were shaking.

 

 

For the sake of my grandmother I sat down and tried to remain calm. Then she spoke to me and I had to answer. We discussed the past month and my grandmothers decline in health and she seemed to actually listen to me. I was in shock. She was listening to what I had to say. Could things really change?

 

 

After our discussion she seemed to understand more. She stayed for another hour and got a glimpse of how my grandmother really was. She got to see first hand and I think it opened her eyes a little. We shared the information that hospice had given us and she asked if we could keep her informed. I agreed.

 

 

 

Due to the agitation and severity of her dementia my grandmother was given medication. Within a few days she had calmed down. She was no longer angry and we spent several nights talking, laughing, and sharing stories. Then she got worse. She had a hard time walking, didn't want to eat, and was unable to do things for herself.

 

 

I did what my aunt asked and kept her informed. I also spoke with my cousin (other family member I hadn't spoken to). I told them both my concerns and explained that I thought they should spend some time with my grandmother because things just didn't seem good. I told them I would leave while they were here if they would be more comfortable. My cousin and I talked for over an hour and she said there was no need for me to go. She understood.

 

 

Every day that went by I continued to talk to my aunt and my grandmother continued to decline. My grandmother could no longer care for herself and was totally reliant on me, my mother, and my husband. Most days she couldn't talk or when she did it was hard to understand, but I didn't give up. I kept talking to her.

 

 

One night while talking to her she spoke up. She asked me to "fix the family" and I didn't know what to say. How can I fix the family? I wouldn't know where to start. But I told her I would fix everything that I could. When I told her it would all be ok she drifted off to sleep.

 

 

This was the point that I knew God had enabled me to forgive. When I sat there and thought about it I was no longer angry. I no longer had bitterness, and my main concern was taking care of my grandma. I had finally let go and moved on. What an amazing feeling and what an amazing God!

 

 

Check back for Part Seven!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Five

Life is busy and sometimes goes by faster than you can blink. I know the past several months have. Every day that passed seemed to get better in my relationship with God and my family, but worse on my grandmothers health.

You hear people talk about dementia and Alzheimer's, but until you are face to face with it you don't truly understand. It is far more than forgetting someones name or a date. It is far worse than anything I imagined. That disease will tear you apart and the person you once were no longer exists.

As time went on my grandmother got worse. Lewy body dementia causes unpredictable behaviors. She would get very angry and at times throw things. She also couldn't remember day to day things, would get very paranoid, and at times had problems remembering who was who. My aunt would call (the family member that I no longer spoke to) and it would confuse her or make her angry. Then different things would be said during the conversation to cause further issues.

Every day was a struggle. I cried so many nights. Things just seemed to go downhill so fast. One day she seemed ok, then the next she didn't know where she was. We had to remind her to eat and where certain places where in her home. Then some days she wouldn't believe us and thought we were lying to her. She started refusing to go to the doctor and even refused to go to the cardiologist after having EMS called out. You can read about that here.

Things had gotten so out of hand that it was beyond my ability to be her caretaker alone. Even with Sharon coming two days a week (home health aid) and my mother and husband we couldn't do it alone. My aunt wouldn't come at this point because of the issues she and I had and she didn't fully realize how bad things had gotten until the day my grandma called her screaming to come get her.

My aunt came in the door and I headed for the other room. I did not want to be in the middle of any conversation she was having with my grandmother or my mother. Home health had advised that we needed to call hospice and have the situation evaluated, so we did. My grandmother was furious in addition to being confused.

Five minutes after my aunt arrived you would have thought World War III was in full swing. She was mad at us for calling hospice and for upsetting my grandmother (her mother also). Her and my mother went back and forth yelling for what felt like an eternity. I could not believe things that I was hearing and wanted to plug my ears. Every possible terrible thing that could be said about me was said by my aunt to hurt my mother. Then my mom came back at her with whatever she could. It was horrible and I mean horrible.

This is the part when I realized a huge part of me had changed. The old Brandi would have stormed out there and given my two cent. I would have been filled with anger and screamed and yelled too. On this day I sat on the bed and prayed. And prayed. And prayed more. Then I was called in the den and my heart sank. I did not want to face this woman.

I stood to my feet and walked in the den. I looked at my grandmother who was beyond confused and asked if she was ok. My mother had left the room crying, so there I was face to face with the one person I have avoided for years. I felt sick to my stomach, but I remained calm and trusted God.

 

Check back soon for Part Six

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Four

God is so awesome. As I sit here typing this I am still amazed at what He has done in our lives. Even in the bad situations He shows me hope and I am comforted by His love.

 

--------------------PART FOUR--------------------

 

 

I can sit here and honestly say that I love our church! I am blessed that we have such a wonderful church family. We are all continuing to grow in our relationship with God and I feel His love! Our Woman's group did a Bible study several months ago and I fell in love with the author. Lysa TerKeurst is now my favorite author! She inspired something in me! I feel like God put me in that group, in that study for a reason! Her writing sparked the idea to make this blog! Now I have had a blog (not this one) for over three years, but this one will have a purpose!

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy my other blog! I just haven't had time to focus on it! Throughout the past several months my focus has shifted and levels of importance aren't the way they once were. My life has changed, and will continue to change! I praise God for the amazing things He has done for us and will continue to do!

 

 

Lysa TerKeurst's book "The Best Yes" was a great way to get my attention! I think that is what had me hooked on the Woman's group. When I first started going I tried to hide in the back corner in hopes no one would notice me. Week by week things changed, and I opened up. Today I have a relationship with most of those woman I tried to avoid. I honestly couldn't even tell you why I tried to hide because now it seems silly. We had a conversation about that a few weeks ago during one of our Wednesday night meetings. The girls reminded me of how I was when I first started and how much they have seen me grow and blossom through Him. Wow was all I could think! I am ecstatic that others can see my love for Jesus!

 

 

After several months and different studies we came to a book called "Total Forgiveness" by RT Kendall. I got a little bit worried about this one. I have been sitting here building my relationship with God, and now I worry that I will look like a failure. Forgiveness was scary. I know that God forgave me for all my sins, but how am I supposed to forgive others...mainly my family. How can I forgive someone who tried to tear apart my life and hurt me beyond words? How can I forgive when I cant get over it...when I can't even think about it without anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain.

 

 

After the first two weeks of reading I opened up to my group. I told them some of my story and cried many tears. I showed them my pain and told them of my hurts. They opened their arms to me and we prayed. Then someone told me that I needed to pray for them, for the ones who hurt me. How on earth do I do that? How do I pray for someone I am so angry at and how on earth can I forgive. Then I was reminded of the story of Joseph and his brothers. They sold him and told their father he was dead. He suffered and hurt, but God had a plan far bigger than theirs. Joseph knew that and when he was face to face with his brothers he told them this (Genesis 50:19-21) ¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.  

 

It was time for me to search my heart and seek God in this. I cannot forgive without Him. I need Him to help me forgive. So I started to pray. And pray. And pray. Let me tell you that is not an easy task, but with God all things are possible. The bible study on forgiveness ended and I wasn't sure where I stood on the matter. When I thought about the situation that haunted me I would get angry again, but when I got angry I would pray. And pray. And pray.

 

I am going to stop here today and leave you with a quote from "Total Forgiveness"

 

“The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us.”  

                                                                                                          -RT Kendall

 

Keep an eye out for Part Five!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J

 

 



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold : Part Three

--------------------PART THREE--------------------

After deciding to temporarily move in with my grandma we tried to make life as normal as possible. We worked, did school (I home school), went to Church on Sundays and Wednesdays, and I read my Bible and studied daily. The more I read the deeper my love grew for God. The more my love grew the more my eyes were opened.

 

 

Sharon, the aid from home health and I were talking about prayer. She told me that weeks before we moved in she and my grandmother had prayed together. My grandmother was scared and didn't want to be alone, so they prayed that God would provide a way for someone to stay with her everyday while my mother was at work so she would never have to be alone. Sharon told me that she believed that I was the answer to that prayer. This caught me off guard. Me the answer to a prayer? The entire time I was here was because I thought she was the answer to mine. I thought that her love and strength was a lesson to me and helped me, but now I am hearing that I am really helping her.

 

 

I loved being here to help her. It was such a blessing to spend this time with her and build our relationship. It was nice to hear her tell me that the past didn't matter and that she loved me no matter what. She also told me how proud she was of the woman I had become and how great the boys were doing. The entire situation amazed me. She was helping me and I was helping her. Things were changing.


At this point I could tell that God was working in our lives. I could see it in all of us. We were in church regularly, Tyler (my husband) was in the men's group on Wednesdays, I was in the Woman's group, my oldest was a part of youth group, and my youngest was in Awana. We were building our relationship with God first of all, but that caused relationships to build with our church family, friends, and each other. Things were good!

I was so filled with Gods love that I decided to rededicate my life to Him. I was baptized as a young child, but felt that through this change I wanted to do it as an adult. This lead my oldest son and husband to also be baptized. What an amazing day! My grandmother sat proudly beside my mother and watched! She beamed with joy for all of us!

Now before I go on any further I want to make a point of things that have happened so far. Without one thing the others would not have happened the way they did, but God planned it perfectly.

1) I had a horrible panic attack causing fear, worry, and depression.

    A) Due to this I went to stay with my grandmother.
      
         1)This helped me and her in addition to alleviating some stress off my mother.
   
         2) It build our bond

    B) I also realized I needed to seek God and fix my relationship with Him which allowed:
     
        1) Reading and studying His word

        2) A good influence on my family.

        3) Joining church groups and building Christian relationships.

        4) Building our family relationships.

        5) Baptism of Tyler, my oldest, and myself (my youngest will soon).

The way things were going in my life I don't think I would have slowed down or stopped to see what I was missing. I would have continued blindly through life. That panic attack, while horrible, put into motion those events. God had a plan and still has one. I am still watching it unfold! Please check back for Part Four!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J
   



 

Seeing Part Of God's Plan Unfold: Part Two

As I sit here and type this I am still wondering how I am going to fit all the details of the past seven months into a few blog posts. Somehow I wonder if I will forget an important detail or leave a specific event out. Then I am reminded that I tend to overthink things. If you missed part one you can start here before reading Part Two!

--------------------PART TWO--------------------

 

 

I remember the night we walked in my grandmothers house. She met me with open arms like she has my entire life. My grandmother has always been a huge part of my life and then both of my boys lives. The past three years have been rough for my grandmother. She fell several years ago which started a decline in her health, then about eighteen months ago she was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia.

 

 

The night we arrived reminded me of my childhood. We talked, laughed, told stories from the past, and watched Family Feud. She loves the game show network! Then we all went in our rooms and fell fast asleep. Something about her house has always given me comfort. Maybe the fact that it has always been filled with love!

 

 

We spent two weeks with my grandmother (my mom was there also, because she stays with her at night due to her health decline. I will get to that later). Then I thought that we should pack up and head home. I really didn't want to wear out our welcome. Did I mention that home is only fifteen minutes away? Yeah, we live close!

 

 

We walked in our front door and I almost immediately felt sad. I didn't feel ready to be back home. I felt overwhelmed again and things just didn't feel right. I tried to ignore my feelings and tried to unpack my clothes. That night before we went to bed the phone rang. It was my grandmother who was in tears. She begged me to come back, because she didn't want to be alone. It broke my heart to hear her cry, but I knew that it wasn't a decision I could make alone. I had to consider my husband and my children. She wasn't just asking us to stay overnight, she wanted us to stay for good or until she could figure something out.

 

 

The two weeks we stayed with her showed me little things that the dementia had changed. She worried more, didn't eat well, asked a lot of questions repeatedly, and thought things that weren't real in addition to other things. I was definitely worried about her and worried about myself at the same time. I pulled the family together for a meeting and we talked things through. Tyler and the boys wanted to do the right thing. They knew that not only did I need Gran, but that at this point she needed us too. My mother said it would help her too because Gran would call her several times throughout the day while she worked and there was no way she could leave.The following morning we packed up our things (not everything) and headed back to my grandmas.

 

My grandma was so happy we came back. She looked so relieved!  My mother was thrilled too, because she now needed more care than my she alone could provide and she was feeling overwhelmed with her own work schedule. Now home healthcare came twice a week to sit with her, but it seemed like every day that passed she needed more and more care and was terrified to be alone. In my current state I didn't want to be alone either, and her house and her love provided comfort so it all seemed to work out.

 

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Now before I end this here I am going to go back several years to a part of my life that I wanted to forget. We all have those parts that we want to hide or run from. I'm not going to go into full detail because that alone would take months. I just want to touch on a few things.

 

I have made bad choices and some of those have caused issues in our family. As I got older and made worse choices (ones that family didn't agree with) the consequences changed. The choices I made don't define who I am today, but with every choice there is a consequence. Now things got blown way out of proportion and then there was the "he said, she said" side. Let me just say that this was not a little matter. One situation (that was followed by many other situations) caused a major split in our family.

 

Throughout the past seven plus years I have not spoken to several family members and at one point I didn't speak to my grandmother. I was blessed to have mended the relationship with my grandmother after a short time, but the other family members were no longer a part of my life. To make matters worse there was a lot of hate, bitterness, and resentment involved on both sides. Ok enough of that for now.

 

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Please check back for Part Three!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi J



Seeing Part of God's Plan Unfold: Part One

God has a plan. His plans, unlike mine, are perfect! As organized as I try to be and as much as I use my Life Planner there is no comparison. He doesn't need nice and tidy notes or bulleted tasks or even outlines. His plans are amazing. In the chaotic mess that is sometimes my life I got to see a glimps of His plan unfold.

Due to the amount of time (seven months) that this plan unfolded there is no way to accurately detail it in one blog post. I will be doing this in several parts, with this being the first. I am excited to share this, because to see were this journey has led me is amazing. Truthfully I know that His plan is still not finished, but oh how far we've come.

--------------------PART ONE--------------------

 

 

December of 2014 was a rough month. It felt like everything was falling apart. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Work was not going as I planned, the boys school was not how I expected, my marriage was not at its peak, family situations were a mess, our house was a disaster, and the list goes on. I could spend all day telling you what was wrong, but that alone would take several posts and that isn't what this is about!

 

Christmas came and went and by the time new years eve rolled around I was in bed. There was no celebration, there was no fireworks, there was no celebration. I stayed in bed...literally all day. January had come and it was supposed to be the time for resolutions and new beginnings. All I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

 

The stress and demands of life continued to pile up and I hit my breaking point. I was sitting on my couch and it hit me...the worst panic attack of my life. You can read about that here. I spent the entire night feeling out of control and feared I had lost my mind. The next morning I was still horribly anxious and then the depression hit. I wanted to run. I definitely needed to get away. Vacation was not even close to being an option, so I did the next best thing. I packed up some of our things and we came to my grandmothers.

 

 

Looking back on how things in my life were going I can easily tell you now the important things that were missing. See, I was overwhelmed because I didn't give God my problems. In all honesty I didn't give Him my time either. I put too much focus on everything else, but failed to do the most important thing. 1Peter 5:7 tells us to "Cast all your worries on Him, because He cares for you." I didn't do that. I held on to them when I needed to let go.

 

 

I have mentioned before that I grew up in church, and even went to Christian school. As an adult I let things get in the way and made excuses. We went to church occasionally and we prayed together at meals then at night I would say my prayers. That wasn't enough. It wasn't even close. I didn't have a personal relationship with God, and I was failing to set an example for my children.  My soul wasn't being fed and neither was my families. We had to make a change! Reading my Bible and building my relationship with God was where I planned to start. I love the pin on pinterest about reading your bible. The one that tells you that your bible should be like bread for daily use not cake for special occasions. That is so very true!

 

 

 

Now please don't think that all you have to do to fix everything is to open your Bible. It is a great start, but you have to read it , pray over it, build your relationship with God, and diligently seek Him. You can't snap your fingers and think things will change. That is something else I've learned along this journey. We all go through trials in our lives for a purpose. God is building us and molding us for His purpose. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It doesn't say good things or bad things or ok things, it says ALL things!!

 

 

My soul was desperately in need of being fed. I ached inside and I knew that the only thing that could fill that void was God. So I was going to seek him with my whole heart, and I have been doing that since. My life has changed in so many ways. I could shout from the rooftops about His amazing grace and love. I have this love that I cannot even explain!

 

My life is in no way easy, but my hope is anchored in Him! I rely on Him and He keeps me safe. What I didn't realize in January was that God had a plan the entire time. He used me and others in my life to completely transform a situation. This situation doesn't change the world, but it did change all of us and I can't wait to finish telling you how His plan has unfolded!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Brandi J.



Is there really time to rest?

Life can get busy. Really busy. We all get overwhelmed and caught up in what we are doing, or what we "have" to do. I know I do. My "To Do" list and agenda stay full. I always think that when I check off one of my tasks I will feel better. I think that maybe it will free up some time for me to just relax. Unfortunately, that is not the case. When one task is checked off I have already added two more. The list always grows. I try to delegate certain tasks and attempt to organize my time better, but it doesn't always work. By the time I go to bed and try to unwind I think of ten other things I should be doing.

 

My sleep schedule has been quite messed up lately. Between work, projects, kids, a husband, being a care taker for my grandmother, and everything else I don't really have a decent "bedtime". I tend to get sleep when I can. I miss normal sleep! I miss being able to crawl in my cozy bed and relax, unwind, clear my mind, and drift off to sleep. I can't even remember the last time that happened. 

If you have read my other posts then you will have seen I suffer from severe panic and anxiety disorder. Can you guess what makes that worse?? Lack of sleep! Sleep and rest are so important and we tend to neglect it.

Hebrews 4: 9-10 says "There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. " So why aren't we resting? Why don't we take time to refresh our minds and rest our bodies? Why do we feel the need to always be on the go?

I fell asleep on the couch last night at around midnight. I woke up at 4:00am thinking that there was so much that needed to be done. The laundry needs to get finished (is it ever really finished), the litter box needs to be cleaned, the bathroom needs to be cleaned...you get the picture. I started the laundry, cleaned the litter, and decided that it was time to sit down. I needed to think about what was going on. I needed time to sit and reflect.

When I started this blog I intended on working on it more than I do my other blog (you can find that here). I haven't had time to work on either one! I try to schedule time, but that doesn't always work. Sometimes life gets overwhelming.

Matthew 11: 28-29says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. " The Lord doesn't want us to feel burdened or overwhelmed. He doesn't want us to fret and feel that there is no time. He wants us to turn to Him. If we are so focused on everything else around us we cant turn our eyes to Him. In order to serve Him we need to rest and we need to let go of the stress!

I know for some of us it is hard to say we are just going to "let go" and "give in". We don't see how we can just stop our day to day tasks and switch our focus. I'm not telling you to quit everything and be lazy! I'm saying that we need to set aside time (schedule it if you have to) every day to rest, recover, and spend time praying! We need to let go and let God! Yes, life is stressful, but we don't have to do it alone! God is there to guide us through.

I'm going to be working on several posts about scheduling and organization on my other blog, but I plan to incorporate that in this blog as well. Being organized is great, but when our minds stay scattered nothing will ever go as planned! We need to set our focus on what is truly important and stop worrying about life's little day to day issues. There is a bigger picture. Isaiah 26:3 reminds us "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

So let go and let God take over! Give Him your worries and let go of things that you can't control. Certain things can wait! Now go get some rest!!

Love and Hugs,

Brandi

When Things Don't Go Your Way

Today has been one of those days. I wanted to throw up my hands yelling and screaming. I didn't, but I wanted to. Today has taught me to "deal with it" when I don't get my way , and to handle things when I don't have control.

First let me say that this has nothing to do with normal day to day frustrations. This isn't about me not getting to pick a movie or where we ate dinner. This was much more. I wanted to control the outcome of something that was much more important, but I had to give in.

My grandmother suffers from dementia. She has had several other medical problems recently and even though her health is declining her will power is not. She is as stubborn as ever. I am beginning to think she is more so now than ever.

My mother, son, grandmother, and myself took a short drive today. We drove though old neighborhoods and talked about our wonderful memories. On the way home my grandmother grabbed her chest and told us she couldn't breathe. She said she felt that she was having a heart attack. We pulled up in the driveway as I dialed 911. They arrived within minutes. The monitors showed that she didn\t have a heart attack, but that she did have blockage. They told her she needed to be taken to the hospital asap. She refused to let them take her.

I wanted them to pick her up and take her anyway, but that is not an option. They told her that if they didn't take her that she needed to let us take her because this needs to be monitored. Guess what...she said No! I could still scream. I could yell. I could fling myself in the floor and throw a tantrum. Do you know what that would do? Not one thing. I wouldn't get anywhere except making myself look like a complete idiot. I tend to do that at times (make myself look like an idiot) but it is usually because of the random way I do things. This is important, so why wont she listen?

I cried, but that didn't help either. I didn't cry because I thought it would help, I cried because I'm hurt. I want so badly to help her, but she wont let us. Every day she seems to get worse and every day i hear her say how badly she wants to leave this earth and see my grandfather again. I know she hurts and I know she is tired of this pain and confusion. She cant give up though! I want to fight this for her. I cant though. It is out of my control.

I wont say that I have "given up" on getting her to the hospital eventually, but me nagging her wont do any good so I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would help this situation and take away the pain she was feeling. That He would give us peace and that we could somehow be at ease. Its never easy to watch someone you love hurt and get to a point that you know it wont get better.

Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Today I had to be still. I had to stop. I had to step back and know that I cannot control everything and i definitely cant control the choices of my 85 year old grandmother even though i wanted to. I only wanted to do what i thought was  best for her. So today I was still. I sat with her and watched her. I talked to her and I listened. Today we were both still.

If you read Exodus 14:14 you will again be reminded "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. So here we are more than six hours later sitting here continuing to pray. I know that God has got this covered. I know that He has a plan and it is far better than mine. I know that I cannot control everything but He can, and I am reminded that when I am lost and confused I need only to be still.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold ,but i do know that i shouldn't worry. The Bible reminds me in Mark  5:36 "Don't be afraid, just believe." I do believe. I believe He is watching over all of us and that He has this under control. I am also reminded of his unfailing love and strength in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Whatever tomorrow brings He will be there to guide us through. 

So today through gritted teeth I gave in and gave up. I gave up the need to have control and let go. Not because I didn't want to fight, but because I know that Gods got this! 

Love and Hugs,

Brandi